I'm standing here immobilized, paralyzed.
Year 2012 brought out the best in me. I learned more about who I am, and what I want out of life. I grew in confidence by leaps and bounds. I feel, I had that unashamed confidence of someone who knew who they were, who knew they were loved and cared for, and who knew that the world was for their taking. I was, I believed, that person.
Until recently. I kept having this niggling feeling that I wasn't as ready as I thought I was to take on the world. Time and time again it would reappear and catch me by surprise, but I always pushed it to the back of my mind. But as time went on, I couldn't shake it off, that feeling of being unprepared. I couldn't put my finger on what it was. It definitely wasn't fear of leaving for university, because I was excited about that. Eventually I diagnosed it - I just wasn't ready to grow up. And this feeling, it's completely robbed me of the security I felt in the past year. Suddenly I just feel as though I'm back to being myself 2 years ago. Insecure, unsure, and feeling as though I'm just on the outside looking in. It's amazing, really, what big a transition it was.
Recent happenings haven't helped in making me feel any better, either. In fact, it's made me realize how naive I was of the world and how sheltered I was. Things like death, sickness, robbery, murder, etc etc- they're categorized in a box, 'Bad Stuff Which Happen To Other People.' And these things suddenly hit so close to home recently. It was a huge wake up call. I knew these things happened, but I never thought that they might happen to me. Or even someone close to me. It's such a horrible thing to realize. It made the world feel so .. sinister. It's like I just opened Pandora's box or something, and now I can't close it back.
And then there's so many things changing. It's time, I guess. There's a time and season for everything, and perhaps this is the time of change. I'm not liking it, though. I've never liked change. Especially when something I love and adore is changing into something I really, really dislike and really do not want to see happening. Makes me wonder even more, what else will change in the next year, and the next? How different will things be a few years from now? Or maybe, 6 months from now? Will it be that unrecognizable from what I know now?
Let's also take into account, university. Being far away from home won't be easy, but I'm quite sure I can cope with homesickness and being somewhere foreign. That's really not the part I'm worried about, contrary to what people (my parents, especially) think. I'm more worried about things happening here that I won't be part of. Will something happen at home than I won't know about because my parents don't want me to find out? What if my grandma/grandpa falls sick? What if another argument blew up at home? And what if no one tells me these things? If something really important happens, I don't want to be half the world away, thinking about what could be different if I was home. Or something of that sort, I don't know. My mind's such a jumble, I don't even know what exactly I'm thinking anymore. Or my friends, for example. What if two of them got into an argument? Would I find out about it? Would they keep me out of stuff because they'd be worried that I'd feel left out or something of the sort? And if they do get into arguments, could I be able to help from halfway around the world?
And then there's always: will I be missed?
Stupid, so stupid. I can't even believe this is me.
I think I've drained all my self pity, now I'm just angry with myself.
Dammit.
