That Dark Place.

Everyone's friend, and yet friendless. There's a difference, did you know?

Homesick.
What would I give for the company of the people I love right now.

Rain rain go away,

If the news and weather forecasts are to be believed, a huge storm is going to hit UK tomorrow, the worst storm UK's going to have in years. Oh and apparently there'll be a hurricane as well.

Juuuust in case anything happens (being alone does get you thinking), I love all of you! 

Letters.

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

My First Ever Clubbing Experience.

I was talking to Sehran just now and he's the reason I'm writing this right now. I'm not proud of this, not one bit, but I'm going to let this be a reminder to myself.

Just a little background knowledge: Every Friday, Leicester University's Student Union throws a night called 'Shabang', which is basically a night of partying and drinking.

People have been trying to get me to go out for Freshers Events but I haven't been to any because they're all drinking events. Not my scene, so I've never gone. On Friday, during lectures, Siau Chian and Vei Lynn were talking about Shabang and trying to persuade me to go. I repeatedly declined. That night, us Malaysians were having a pizza party and everyone started talking about Shabang again. Everyone was going, and they kept persuading me to go, and eventually I gave in. I thought to myself, 'If I'm ever going to try it once, it would probably be best to go with the Malaysians anyways'. So yeah, I gave in and I went.

Waiting for the bus in my dress (with the wind blowing like craycray - HOW ON EARTH ARE THE GIRLS NOT FREEZING TO DEATH), I wanted to run back in my room and just hide there for the rest of the night. But Vei Lynn had already bought my ticket (5poundsomg) so I decided to just go through with it. We reached the O2, and the first thing everyone did was to buy themselves a drink. I just sat there awkwardly, until one of my friends told me to try her drink. It had very low alcohol content, she said. So I tried it, and indeed it tasted just like juice. Normal juice. Watching everyone drinking and you're all alone not drinking, peer pressure really gets to you. (I finally understand peer pressure.) After a while I got myself the same drink she offered to me.

We sat talking for a bit, and by then I had finished the whole bottle. That was maybe an hour into the night? I stood up and immediately I started feeling woozy.  I knew that feeling so well, from Taekwondo classes. And  I knew what was coming. I sat down and they got me a drink. It helped, but I wanted to go out and get some air. Those of you who know me well, know that I'm always such a klutz, even when I'm having a normal day. Climbing up the stairs, I nearly tripped and fell. Good job Jas. The moment I reached the top of the stairs (we were still in the O2 btw) I collapsed onto the floor and puked my guts out. Repeatedly. It was not a pretty sight.

My friends volunteered to go back with me, but I felt bad so I decided to stay with them. After a while, I felt better and joined them on the dance floor. One of the girls was wearing high-heeled boots. She was so drunk, she stomped on my foot. It hurt. Like mad. I thought it was just pain, though. Until my feet started feeling really sticky so I sat down. Jason used his phone's flashlight to help me take a look at it, and it was bleeding like mad. My whole foot was covered with blood. They got some ice for me, and I went to the toilet to clear it up. The blood wouldn't stop flowing, though. I had to wrap it up with some tissue, and then I went back out again.

After a while, it stopped hurting and I joined my friends dancing around our table again. It's pretty interesting being one of the only sober people in the whole club, because you can really see how ridiculous people can be when they're drunk. It's very ... eye-opening, to say the least.

We went back at about 2.30am, and to be completely honest, I had fun.

I told my parents about it when I got home, because I didn't want them to find out through other means such as Facebook. They weren't mad though, they were surprisingly calm and said that they understood.

So I really wasn't feeling too bad. And then I did something really stupid - I posted a picture of it on Instagram. I don't know what I was thinking, it was as though I was so proud of that night or something.

Then a friend of mine saw it and Facetime-d me. He didn't exactly nag me or anything, but we really talked and after that it really dawned on me that I'd done wrong. That even though my parents said it was okay, I'm pretty sure they were disappointed in me. I'm sure they'd expected more from me. And most of all, I broke my principles and I let myself down. I came to UK telling myself that I'd come back in 5 years, proud that I hadn't drank a drop of alcohol or stepped foot into a club. And I'd done both those actions in one night.

It's not a good place to be, knowing that you're changing into someone you'd never thought you'd become.

Lesson learned.

PS: Those of you reading this, pleasepleaseplease don't be mad at me & start yelling at me :( I know what I've made a mistake, and I'll never, ever, do it again.

Strength.

It's been almost a month since I've been here in UK, since I said goodbye to my family and friends. It's been 3 weeks since I've started university, 3 weeks since I said goodbye to daddy and watched him walk away. It's been only 3 weeks, and yet it feels like years have passed. Every day I wake up and it hits me how I'm not in the familiarity of my room. Every day, I strike out days on the calendar, counting down the days till I'll be home.

Back in Form 5, going to university in the UK was such a faraway dream. I wanted to be able to study in UK so badly, at times it was the only thing that kept me going, kept me studying and working my butt off. Getting my results, knowing I was FINALLY heading off to UK, that was one of the best feelings I've ever experienced. 

And now I'm here. Ask me now, how I feel about being here and I'd give you a completely different answer from what you expected. Form-5-Jas would be so disappointed. There are days when I wonder why I was so desperate to be here in the first place. There are days when I wish I stayed back in Malaysia. Things aren't (too) bad, I guess. Apart from housemates who can't seem to keep the noise down and who don't seem to value cleanliness, the horrible weather (it's been raining almost non-stop for 4 days now), the difficulty in making friends, the vast difference in culture, and the bland food, everything is just fine. I'm not exaggerating, fyi. I wouldn't say things are bad, it's just loaaaaads different, and it's quite hard to take in. 

I wasn't expecting making friends to be this difficult, too. When I imagined being here, I expected myself to have loads of British friends. I told myself I wasn't going to be one of those people who only stuck with Asians. HAHAHAHA HOW WRONG I WAS. I'm now sticking to my Asian (Malaysian) friends like paper and glue. Trust me, I've tried hanging out with all the Brits, but we can't seem to 'click'. Probably because they have different topics of conversation from what we Asians do, I guess? I don't know, but there just isn't an ease of conversation. 

I miss the mafias and how comfortable I feel around them. 

BUT

One thing I've learned from this past month is that I'm actually stronger than I think I am. Apart from the night that daddy left, I haven't cried while I've been here. I used to be such a crybaby, crying over every small little thing. And now I'm here all alone, and nope, no tears. It was just that once. I guess I've grown up a little? I still feel miserable and really frustrated once in a while, but I've learnt not to fret over it too much. And for now, at least, I know I'm not going to break down one day and decide to just quit the whole course and go home, which was one of my main worries. I know I can get through this if I keep looking forward. 

Things may be difficult, 

I will miss everyone back home,

And I definitely can't help feeling homesick ;

But I will survive this first year and the years to come! :) 

I woke up today feeling alone.