Being here is difficult for me. That is probably the truest sentence I've said about the whole experience. Usually, I tell people I'm doing fine. To closer friends and family, I tell them how much I miss home, how much I miss them & how much I want to go home. It's hard to express exactly how I feel, because I've been feeling so much recently.
Some days I wake up feeling extremely excited for the day. Some days I'm happy, I'm thankful that I'm here. Some I days I know I am loved. Some days I'm reminded that I'm here because God has a plan for me. Some days I look at the pictures on my wall and I smile, or laugh. Some days talking to friends and family is the best part of my day. Some days I go to bed content.
And then there are other days. Other days, I wake up feeling nothing but dread. Other days, I just feel.. sad. Other days, loneliness overwhelms me and I feel terribly homesick. Other days, I feel God isn't here- that maybe I disillusioned myself and this wasn't part of the plan after all. Other days, I get afraid that people who love me, now love me less. Other days, I look at the pictures on my wall and I cry. Other days, I cry for no reason at all. Other days, talking to friends and family upsets me - I wish I was there with them. Other days, I go to bed feeling completely and utterly alone.
I say days, but in reality all these different emotions can happen in a single day. But for the ease of it, 'days' is how I put it.
Some days I am strong enough to brave the world. Some days I just want to hide under the blankets and disappear.
It's funny, because this is the type of person I was until '11. I thought that I'd changed, but now I wonder if I really did change at all. Was I just hiding behind a cover?
I've just contemplated it, and I guess not. The past 2 years, I've been the best I am - completely and utterly happy, satisfied with life. People who know me would describe me as 'the bubbly one' (I'm not being perasan btw.) and I'm glad. I've been completely myself with those people, and it's amazing when people adore you for who you are. So no, I've not been pretending. Being thrust into a completely new environment has just thrown me off balance for a while.
Surprise, surprise. I've strayed off topic.
One of the main reasons I get this way is because of my friendships here.
Back home, I have a bunch of amazing friends. Not just the Mafia Gang, but also my PM13 classmates, WIFI-JC CG, church friends, CF mates, the whole Taekwondo family, and some people who are difficult to categorise. Here, it's difficult to even make friends. I try, but it always seems to end awkwardly. People are different, their topics of conversation are different - it's hard to fit in. But that's not even the crux of matter. It's the friends that I've made that are. Like I've said earlier in this post, it's hard to appreciate the less fine things in life. Having such amazing friends back home, I put really high expectations on the friends I have here - expectations that they can't fulfil. So I end up being disappointed, over am over again. Then I realised today morning, that it's not them, it's me. It's unfair of me to place expectations on them, and realise how prideful I am to do so. I've basically set down guidelines on 'how you would act if you were my friend', thinking that I deserve such friendship. Ugh, so much pride. Everyone treats their friends differently, and just because their methods may be different from what I'm used to, doesn't mean that they're bad friends or whatever. Besides, I've only known them for what, 2 months?
I have friends, and it's important that I appreciate them for who they are, not what I want them to become. Maybe if I start doing that, I'll be happier here.
