It Is Better to have Loved and Lost,

... than never to have loved at all.

- Alfred Lord Tennyson

Just went out with a bunch of my friends & I just felt compelled to pen this down for my sake, so that one day I can look back & remember this. 

Today, I am proud to say that I am filled with an all-consuming love. That I love someone so deeply with all my heart, with everything I have & everything I am. I am proud to say that I am giving this my all, that I am not putting in any less than 100%, out of fear. 

Because I am afraid. If this goes to hell, it would break my heart, maybe my spirit. It would tear me up inside, & it could ruin me. It will be the most difficult thing I'd ever have to bear, to date. It would be like free-falling without knowing if there's a safety net at the end.

I am afraid, but I have faith. I have faith in him, & I have faith in us. I will love with all I've got, because I know no other way. And because he deserves it.

Rose-tinted Glasses No More

I was walking down a busy street just a while ago, heading home after an ENT clinic in hospital. I had earphones in my ears, and I was thinking about what to cook for dinner. I barely noticed as a car drove by, when suddenly, water splashed all over my left side. My first thought that a car had driven into a puddle but I looked around and there weren't any around- it had been completely sunny the past few days. It also didn't make sense because if it had been from a puddle, the water would've splashed below my waist level and instead the water had hit my face first, and my clothes after.

It hit me then. Someone had probably driven by, and as a sick joke, thought that splashing water on me would be a great idea. I'm pretty certain it was the people in the car I saw, but I guess I'll never know for sure. I stood there, trying to wipe myself dry, and the best part is, no one even offered to help. People passed by, some had likely seen what happened, and no one did anything, which kind of made me feel worse.

It's hard to explain how upset I feel, but I was nearly in tears then. I'm home now, and I don't feel any less upset. I've had a shower. I lathered myself with soap more times than I could count, and I scrubbed until my skin feels raw, but I still feel dirty. I can still feel all the areas where I was splashed, and it kinda feels like I've been marked. Honestly, if I could strip off those areas of my skin, I would.

I don't want to think this was racially inclined, I wouldn't be surprised if it were. The passengers in the car and myself, we're of different skin colour anyway. I sound racist myself, but I've had more than my fair share of racism, be it in Malaysia or in the UK. Or maybe I'm wrong, maybe they're just jerks and they saw an opportunity to mess with some poor person.

I'm not a skeptic, trust me. I believe people are truly good, and sometimes, people make mistakes. When someone does something bad, I come up with reasons to excuse/explain their behaviour. I've been called 'naive' time and time again, heck, I've even been called 'stupid' because of this. Just ask Don- we've had arguments over him snapping at a kid who said something rude to us.

But right now? I'm disappointed. And sad. I can't think of a single excuse for what happened to me. Maybe people are right, maybe I am too naive. Maybe people act like jerks just because they can.

The world is getting more messed up day by day, and people have got to change. I'm tired of dealing with shit like this.

Thoughts

Today, I found two boxes.

Two very, very special boxes.

It's been 4 years since I left home to study in the UK, and you'd think that I'd be used to being here by now. But truth be told, I haven't. Sure, the overwhelming feelings of homesickness, of waking up in the middle of the night in tears from nightmares are long gone, but as with everything else in life, I get bad days. They're not as often now, as you'd imagine. Leicester's somewhere I'm comfortable in, & having Don with me definitely makes it feel more like home.

But every so often, I wake up dreading going out- because I don't want to remember that I'm not home. Malaysia home. They're days when I walk on the street and wish that the faces I see weren't so.. foreign. When I hear the people speaking and I try to block them out. To be back home, to be able to walk around without feeling like I don't belong, to hear language spoken in the familiar accent only Malaysians understand.

Today was one of those days. But I remembered these boxes, filled with things important enough to bring over all the way from Malaysia to UK. I rummaged through my cabinet, found them hiding in the back away from plain sight & pulled them out. I sat down on the floor and went through the contents one at a time.

Things from my high school years, my college years, and even my uni years (although there's still another year to go, fingers crossed). Scribbles from classes when we probably should've been paying attention, doodles, notes passed around, little trinkets, gifts from friends, letters and cards from friends. And my favourite: two scrapbooks made for me by my bestest of friends. Made by people who truly love me and whom I miss dearly. Reminders of how I'm never alone, despite 1728634281934 miles between us, they'll always have my back.

So today, right now, I am thankful. I am thankful for friends to call my own. I am thankful for my boxes.